A Burn!

"So basically after we recover from a massive solar storm that destroys our atmosphere, kills all our..."

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 16:47:44 -0400

“So basically after we recover from a massive solar storm that destroys our atmosphere, kills all our communications satellites, and takes down the power grid, we’re going to awaken our potential. Because we’re all going to be protected by an ethereal shell, which is like +10 armor that protects against photonic incursion.”

- Annalee Newitz from this io9 post. Basically to get the burn you have to read the whole piece, which you should do anyways, because it absolutely cracks me up. io9 always rockin’ the quality geekery … I love it!

"Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (Paramount Pictures), Michael Bay’s latest bid to bludgeon..."

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 10:22:00 -0400

“Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (Paramount Pictures), Michael Bay’s latest bid to bludgeon audiences into dulled submission, is the reductio ad absurdum of a summer blockbuster. It is loud (boom!), long (two and a half hours!), incoherent (poorly explained intergalactic warfare!), leering (Megan Fox in short shorts!), racist (jive-talkin’ robot twins!), and rife with product tie-ins (Chevy! Hasbro!) Transformers will also pack audiences into theaters with the ruthless efficiency of a Decepticon, one of the evil mega-robots who battle the good-guy Autobots for the length (let me repeat: 2.5 hours) of this nerve-crushing excruciation. John Yoo would not be able to draft a memo excusing the torment this movie inflicts on its audience, yet tens of millions of us will line up to shovel money at it this weekend. God bless America.”

- Dana Stevens’ Slate.com review of “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.” Shit, between Ebert’s review and Ms. Stevens’ serious burns Michael Bay must seriously be on fire. Also, did Ms. Stevens proceed to burn the American consumer as well? Damn.

I just want to say, I didn’t see the first Transformers movie until it was out on DVD and personally I thought it was pretty shitty. I mean it was nice to see one of my favorite childhood toys/cartoons realized in live action film, but really it was just a stupid overly loud action movie. I can only imainge that “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” is much of the same … only shitier

"Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (PG-13, 149 minutes). A horrible experience of unbearable..."

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 10:11:31 -0400

“Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (PG-13, 149 minutes). A horrible experience of unbearable length, briefly punctuated by three or four amusing moments. One of these involves a dog-like robot humping the leg of the heroine. If you want to save yourself the ticket price, go into the kitchen, cue up a male choir singing the music of hell, and get a kid to start banging pots and pans together. Then close your eyes and use your imagination. One star.”

- From Roger Ebert’s review of “Transformers: revenge of the Fallen” . Roger Ebert is probably my favorite movie reviewer because in general I think he is fair and he is also an amazing writer. Every once and awhile he really dislikes a film and he has no qualms as all about ripping it a new one, much as above.

"OK, here’s where I start complaining. All the reinventing and reinvigorating that’s..."

Fri, 15 May 2009 10:38:27 -0400

“OK, here’s where I start complaining. All the reinventing and reinvigorating that’s going on is good, better than good, grat. But why, oh why, can’t they come up with a decent villain? Every single movie they 1) hire a decent actor, 2) make him look a little weird with tattoos and prosthetics, 3) give him some weird grudge and a dimly lit spaceship and tell him to growl a lot. The End.”

- Lev Grossman on the problems with all Star Trek villains.

"I’m not sure Twitter could convince me to buy any hardware, except maybe a water balloon to..."

Wed, 06 May 2009 11:29:54 -0400

“I’m not sure Twitter could convince me to buy any hardware, except maybe a water balloon to carry around in the hopes that maybe I could lob it at annoyingly Twitter-happy Ashton Kutcher.”

- Carolina McCarthy in this CNET article. albeit not the greatest burn ever (if even a burn really) but the thought of punishing Kutcher for his over-exuberant twittering sounds like a good time to me. Though water balloons may be too tame. How about dirty sock filled with slimy oatmeal?

The best burns kind of burn … the kind which burn Trekkies

Tue, 05 May 2009 22:14:40 -0400

The best burns kind of burn … the kind which burn Trekkies

"Yes, I’m sure that watching the old guy who was your mentor - for like two whole days - get sliced..."

Mon, 04 May 2009 15:50:34 -0400

“Yes, I’m sure that watching the old guy who was your mentor - for like two whole days - get sliced in half by a lightsaber is pretty traumatic. Did I mention that yesterday I watched my homeworld and everyone on it, including the family that raised me, get blown to bits? But hey, you’re the hero, so let me comfort you in your moment of grief.”

- Purely hypothetical (yet hilarious) Princess Leia dialog as appearing on this blog. Honestly folks, this is a piece of pure “a burn” genius. So spiteful. I love it!

"Nickelback : Michelob Ultra — They say it’s rock and roll; we call it carbonated urine."

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 12:39:47 -0400

“Nickelback : Michelob Ultra — They say it’s rock and roll; we call it carbonated urine.”

- From this DRAFT Magazine article comparing rocks bands to beers. Such a wondrous burn.

"A monotonous, shallow and inarticulate character, used as a story device linking pointless action..."

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 07:45:48 -0400

“A monotonous, shallow and inarticulate character, used as a story device linking pointless action scenes. None of the charisma of the great superheroes”

- Roger Ebert in this review of “X-Men Origins: Wolverine.” While I will credit Ebert in the sense that he is probably correct, I would like to remind him that if Wolverine were real, he would probably have little qualms about claw slicing the fuck out of the reviewer.

"Apologies to residents of the Lower East Side; Williamsburg, Brooklyn; and other hipster-centric..."

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 07:25:06 -0400

“Apologies to residents of the Lower East Side; Williamsburg, Brooklyn; and other hipster-centric neighborhoods. You are not as cool as you think …”

- Oh snap! Such a burn. Via this article by Melena Ryzik in the NY Times. It seems of late I have been reading a lot of aggression toward the whole hipster culture (or lack there of), it makes me slightly uncomfortable, especially considering I have been described as a hipster by some. I must change my ways. I must reassert my individuality.

From this “Questionable Content” comic by Jeph...

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 06:44:56 -0400

From this “Questionable Content” comic by Jeph Jacques. The Radiohead comment is pretty good, but personally I am more of a fan of the comment that followed the comic in my RSS reader, which said, “Exposure to Coldplay while a teenager is linked to being a useless waste of humanity in later life.” So, true … Coldplay is lame.

"I reserve the right to consider it idiotic to live in a tent on a sidewalk for several weeks to be..."

Fri, 06 Mar 2009 12:28:48 -0500

“I reserve the right to consider it idiotic to live in a tent on a sidewalk for several weeks to be first in line for the next “Star Wars” movie.”

- Roger Ebert in response to an angry letter

"… and the other was a defunct Soviet communications satellite (is there any other kind?)"

Fri, 13 Feb 2009 10:16:26 -0500

“… and the other was a defunct Soviet communications satellite (is there any other kind?)”

- Lev Grossman, in this short piece talking about a recent satellite collision. It is funny because those Soviet’s were so wacky with their satellites and their lack of maintenance.

"Why is it that so many of us feel it is possible to say Billy Joel is—well—just bad, a blight upon..."

Wed, 28 Jan 2009 16:02:00 -0500

“Why is it that so many of us feel it is possible to say Billy Joel is—well—just bad, a blight upon pop music, a plague upon the airwaves more contagious than West Nile virus, a dire threat to the peacefulness of any given elevator ride, not rock ‘n’ roll but schlock ‘n’ roll?”

- Ron Rosenbaum in this article on Slate.com. Really you should read the entire piece as it is one long and scathing burn. It is hilarious and I don’t even foster that much vehemence for Billy Joel (a little now and then but I have always kind of liked “Piano Man”).

XKCD is awesome, and Mencia sucks … and space elevators...

Wed, 28 Jan 2009 06:54:50 -0500

XKCD is awesome, and Mencia sucks … and space elevators would be great. Enough said.

"wow…the first lady and Cheney’s harpy are getting booed."

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 11:31:01 -0500

“wow…the first lady and Cheney’s harpy are getting booed.”

- From Evan, on reporting the happenings of Obama’s Inauguration

The burn is at the end … cracks me up. Good Ol’...

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 06:58:09 -0500

The burn is at the end … cracks me up. Good Ol’ Doonesbury

xkcd has some of the most righteous burns ever.

Fri, 09 Jan 2009 09:45:53 -0500

xkcd has some of the most righteous burns ever.

"Record stores should have a section called Retarded Reggae, and this album should be the one on..."

Fri, 12 Dec 2008 14:35:42 -0500

“Record stores should have a section called Retarded Reggae, and this album should be the one on display.”

- From this long extended burn to Jason Mraz and his song “I’m Yours.” I am also pretty fond of the comment “Let’s see… When was scatting cool? Hmmm… Right! Like eighty years ago.”

Rooms of the George W. Bush Presidential Library

Tue, 09 Dec 2008 13:00:32 -0500

Rooms of the George W. Bush Presidential Library: I love it … very clever