A Burn!

“ So basically after we recover from a massive solar storm that destroys our atmosphere, kills all our communications satellites, and takes down the power grid, we’re going to awaken our potential. Because we’re all going to be protected by an ethereal shell, which is like +10 armor that protects against photonic incursion. ” - Annalee Newitz from this io9 post.  Basically to get the burn you have to read the whole piece, which you should do anyways, because it absolutely cracks me up.  io9 always rockin’ the quality geekery … I love it!

“ Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (Paramount Pictures), Michael Bay’s latest bid to bludgeon audiences into dulled submission, is the reductio ad absurdum of a summer blockbuster. It is loud (boom!), long (two and a half hours!), incoherent (poorly explained intergalactic warfare!), leering (Megan Fox in short shorts!), racist (jive-talkin’ robot twins!), and rife with product tie-ins (Chevy! Hasbro!) Transformers will also pack audiences into theaters with the ruthless efficiency of a Decepticon, one of the evil mega-robots who battle the good-guy Autobots for the length (let me repeat: 2.5 hours) of this nerve-crushing excruciation. John Yoo would not be able to draft a memo excusing the torment this movie inflicts on its audience, yet tens of millions of us will line up to shovel money at it this weekend. God bless America. ” -

Dana Stevens’ Slate.com review of “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.” Shit, between Ebert’s review and Ms. Stevens’ serious burns Michael Bay must seriously be on fire.  Also, did Ms. Stevens proceed to burn the American consumer as well?  Damn.

I just want to say, I didn’t see the first Transformers movie until it was out on DVD and personally I thought it was pretty shitty.  I mean it was nice to see one of my favorite childhood toys/cartoons realized in live action film, but really it was just a stupid overly loud action movie.  I can only imainge that “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” is much of the same … only shitier

“ Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (PG-13, 149 minutes). A horrible experience of unbearable length, briefly punctuated by three or four amusing moments. One of these involves a dog-like robot humping the leg of the heroine. If you want to save yourself the ticket price, go into the kitchen, cue up a male choir singing the music of hell, and get a kid to start banging pots and pans together. Then close your eyes and use your imagination. One star. ” - From Roger Ebert’s review of “Transformers: revenge of the Fallen” . Roger Ebert is probably my favorite movie reviewer because in general I think he is fair and he is also an amazing writer. Every once and awhile he really dislikes a film and he has no qualms as all about ripping it a new one, much as above.

“ OK, here’s where I start complaining. All the reinventing and reinvigorating that’s going on is good, better than good, grat. But why, oh why, can’t they come up with a decent villain? Every single movie they 1) hire a decent actor, 2) make him look a little weird with tattoos and prosthetics, 3) give him some weird grudge and a dimly lit spaceship and tell him to growl a lot. The End. ” - Lev Grossman on the problems with all Star Trek villains.

“ I’m not sure Twitter could convince me to buy any hardware, except maybe a water balloon to carry around in the hopes that maybe I could lob it at annoyingly Twitter-happy Ashton Kutcher. ” - Carolina McCarthy in this CNET article.  albeit not the greatest burn ever (if even a burn really) but the thought of punishing Kutcher for his over-exuberant twittering sounds like a good time to me.  Though water balloons may be too tame.  How about dirty sock filled with slimy oatmeal?

“ Yes, I’m sure that watching the old guy who was your mentor - for like two whole days - get sliced in half by a lightsaber is pretty traumatic. Did I mention that yesterday I watched my homeworld and everyone on it, including the family that raised me, get blown to bits? But hey, you’re the hero, so let me comfort you in your moment of grief. ” - Purely hypothetical (yet hilarious) Princess Leia dialog as appearing on this blog.  Honestly folks, this is a piece of pure “a burn” genius.  So spiteful.  I love it!

“ Nickelback : Michelob Ultra — They say it’s rock and roll; we call it carbonated urine. ” - From this DRAFT Magazine article comparing rocks bands to beers.  Such a wondrous burn.

“ A monotonous, shallow and inarticulate character, used as a story device linking pointless action scenes. None of the charisma of the great superheroes ” - Roger Ebert in this review of “X-Men Origins: Wolverine.” While I will credit Ebert in the sense that he is probably correct, I would like to remind him that if Wolverine were real, he would probably have little qualms about claw slicing the fuck out of the reviewer.

“ Apologies to residents of the Lower East Side; Williamsburg, Brooklyn; and other hipster-centric neighborhoods. You are not as cool as you think … ” - Oh snap!  Such a burn.  Via this article by Melena Ryzik in the NY Times.  It seems of late I have been reading a lot of aggression toward the whole hipster culture (or lack there of), it makes me slightly uncomfortable, especially considering I have been described as a hipster by some.  I must change my ways. I must reassert my individuality.